Q&A With Jade West
by Invader Johnny
Summary: A collaboration with Quitting Time, Jade will answer some questions... Against her will!


**_Story:_ Q&A with Jade West.**

 _ **Writers: Invader Johnny and Quitting Time.**_

 _ **Su** **mmary: Self-explanatory Jade will answer some questions... Against her will.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: We don't own Victorious, that's property of Dan and Nickelodeon, simple as that.**_

 ** _Author Notes: this is a collaboration with Quitting Time's , coincidentally those of you who read the story "What Jade Hates" I want to acknowledge that it was the main inspiration for this fic, but unlike QT's particular idea, this one won't have our favourite Goth Girl going into any "Hate" rant._**

 ** _So enjoy this story which I hope gives you all a very entertaining time._**

* * *

Jade clicked the red button on her remote control, turning on the camera.

A very angry, bordering on psychotic scowl greeted anyone who was brave enough to observe her live feed.

"For those of you who have nothing better to do than to sit there and watch me, I have only one thing to say... I _hate_ you all, don't like it? _**TOO BAD**_!"

Quietly, if a bit mad; Jade puts the control down, only to replace it with her smartphone "As for those of you who have been asking me questions, guess what? You finally are about to get them... Why now and not five months ago?" She shrugged "Because a certain _someone_ stole my favourite pair of scissors and won't give them back until _after_ I do this, why you ask? Because that annoying person _thinks_ this will improve my image. But guess what? I _don't_ want my image improved, unfortunately she's holding my scissor's hostage, so I really don't have a choice in the goddamn matter now do I?"

The Thespian narrowed her green eyes ominously at the camera "You know who you are, wait until I have you to myself" Cracking her knuckles for a very dark, very painful emphasis.

"So let's get this crapfest started, here is how it's going to go, I will pick some random questions and I'll answer them as ' _kindly'_ as I can, and when I say that I mean that nothing nightmarish will come out of my mouth... Maybe"

She cleared her throat "Oh and just so you losers know, _I don't have a kind side."_

Jade made that quite clear the moment she gave the finger to her viewers "Anyway, here you go... Question number one from... Sinjin ... Ugh... My luck can't be this bad!... Ok _fine_ , what's your full name?"

She looked at the camera as if she was looking at a moron, which in her mind wasn't that car off from the truth "If you want to know my middle name, you're not going to get it!... Question number two... Would you want to be Jade Van Cleef?"

The pale woman got up from her seat, dissapearing from view only to return a few seconds later with a carrot and a knife "Anyone else who asks stupid questions like that is going to get this carrot where the sun doesn't shine" Jade said darkly "And then if it doesn't fit I'll make the hole wider with my knife because I _can_! _**UNDERSTOOD**_?!"

"Next question comes from some lonely, _lonely_ freak... What's my Gender?" Well unless your deaf, blind and stupid you would realise that I'm a girl, but that doesn't mean I can't hurt people if they continue to ask stupid shit like this!"

"What's my age? Like hell I'm answering that, don't you people know its never wise to ask a woman her age, What? _**DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?!"**_

"Birthday? July 26, that's all your getting!"

Jade took a glass of water, because all this screaming was getting to her "Collio456 asks 'Don't you get tired of being mean?" As _if_... That's part of my personality... I _**love**_ scaring people, it's like a hobby of mine really, I would go as far as to call it an art"

"This next question comes from Anonymous "What's your best subject at school? Writing... Because I enjoy coming up with dark, twisted ideas that traumatize others, from friends, to enemies even my grandma has wet herself... which explains why she screams every time she sees me!... **_Ok_ ** moving on."

"Wost subject?... Math, yeah whose bright idea was to ass letters to the equations _huh_?! Whoever did that should be dragged to the streets and shot!"

"Let's see .. What else? What else?... Oh you **_got_** to be _**kidding**_ me... Will you give your best friend a unicorn for her birthday?…" Jade lowered her head in exasperation " _ **Cat**_ I know that's you!...Stop asking me that!"

"Next question from... You know what who the hell cares?"

 _"Think of your scissors... Think of your scissors... Think of your scissors"_

"Do I have any siblings?" Unfortunately yes I do, my younger brother who by the way is freaking out since he thinks I'm in the bathroom with the lights out... I love doing that"

"Ok, whose next?... _Dumbo$_... Really? Dumbo$? You people pick some very stupid pennames, well this loser asks if I have any pets... I _did_ , my dog Tawny died last week, she was very loyal but I wasn't about to let her go, see that's her over there."

Jade moved the camera to show the viewers a stuffed dog on her table "Taxidermy is quite entertaining and relaxing hobby in my opinion."

"Next question, What's my Orientation? Tori-sexual, yeah self-explanatory and I know your watching Vega, wipe that smile off your face!"

"Blondie asks what's my Hair Color?" I'm a brunette and yes it's dyed and no I'm not a blonde!"

"By now I'm not going to bother saying the who asks this stupid things, My head is hurting from seeing such bad names online... This... _Rex_... Oh I should have seen _that_ one coming, OK puppet I'll humor you... "Is it true that you're related to the wicked witch West? No... But you're about to become termite chowder next time I see you!"

"Next question 'Are your eyes green or blue?... I can't really tell' To answer your question, it's whatever the hell I want them to be!"

"Height?" Who the fuck wants to know that?!"

"Favourite color?... Brown, because it's the color of Tori's eyes... _HAH_! as _if_ , do you really think I was about to say something that mushy?! Clearly you haven't been paring attention, it's actually red, why? Because it's the color of evil! It's also the color of _blood_ , speaking of blood I actually have a bit of my own blood in my shoes right now, feels nice."

"Next...What is my favorite music to work out to?"

Jade pretended to think, her index finger over her chin in deep concentration.

"That would be the soundtrack from the movie _Psycho_ , by Bernard Herman. You may think it's the scissoring, but the soundtrack from the movie the scissoring get's played when I do something else and you slob's can guess that."

"Favourite genre of music:?' _**ROCK, OF COURSE**_."

Ok... Let's see there has to be an _intelligent_ question around here somewhere" Jade muttered as she scroll down the screen, after a few seconds she hit with something, "Interesting... Ok, just what do my parents think of me dating such a nice girl?"

"Well for the most part they appear to be _pleased_ but also somewhat amazed. But I think they suspect I'm just going to get bored with Tori and kill her at some point in the future. I overheard them offering money to Tori to help her escape the country the other day. But my very trusting girlfriend politely turned them down. had she accepted, she _**would**_ have to escape the country. Though that wouldn't help."

"Do you believe in aliens?... Oh yeah there _has_ to be intelligent beings somewhere in the universe because here on Earth, that's kinda hard to come by, I mean seriously it's like I'm surrounded by idiots!... Next random question..."

"favourite drink?".. Pff, Coffee... I want to marry it!... unless a better choice comes along"

"What's your favourite bedtime story?"

"The rats in the wall's by H.P. Lovecraft. "

"What's your favorite comedy movie?... Simple, it's Deadpool, why? Because that guy just knows how to turn a murder into a comedy!"

"Favourite superhero?... That position goes to Invader Zim, I mean even if he's bad at his job he's trying to either kill or enslave Humanity, what's not to like about that?"

"Favourite animal?... I said it before and I'll say it again, I love bunnies and I don't care who knows it"

"Least favourite animal?...Humans, people just plain suck"

"If you had one superpower, what would it be? Umm... That's a hard one, there are so many painful possibilities but when it comes to it, I often wanted to possess the ability to make heads explode."

This next one made her smirk evilly, "Ah... **_Why_** did that skywriter write, 'Tori stinks' above Hollywood arts the other day?... Well I arranged for it months ago before we started dating and I _forgot_ to cancel it."

"Was she mad?..." Jade growled "Let's just say not getting any TLC which stands for Tori Loving Care was torture! That is just cruel and unsual punishment!"

"Next question... For the sake of my sanity, I hope I hit one that _**won't**_ piss me off... "How does it feel to have a girlfriend who's hotter than you?... What the hell?!... That is... Ehhhhh... Jeg beklager at jeg ikke snakker engelsk...

 _"Of course I almost said something very, **very** stupid."_

"Oh here's a good one... What's my Best Feature? That would be my laid back personality and hot body... Anyone who says otherwise is a liar"

"Do you read anything other than books and if so, what?" Jade read out loud "Actually I read a few comics from time to time but not the type that geeks and nerds like Robbie does, I actually enjoy reading JTHM, It's gory as hell! Nny is creative with his killings, the perfect comic to read alone in the dark"

"Now, here's something less twisted... What is your favourite song Tori sang?... Beggin' on your knees... My girl was so vengeful that one time, I was so proud!"

"If you could punch anyone in the face who would it be and why?... Ryder Daniels, no one uses my girlfriend for a grade and gets away with it!"

"If you could go back in time, when would you go and why?... I'd go back to the 1940's to give Donald Trump's father a condom or better yet, to castrate the guy!" Jade made a cutting gesture with her hands "In order to prevent so much stupidity in the present"

"This next one comes from a brain dead girl by the way... You are disgusting and so is your girlfriend, do the right thing and date a guy, not a girl, otherwise you'll go to hell for sure" Jade read that statement with a mocking accent, she then looked at the camera with distaste "To the bitch who dared to write that... I only have one thing to say to you. Better _**pray**_ that I don't find you otherwise I can show you what true eternal damnation can _**really**_ be like!"

Seconds later that comment was deleted.

"Smart move, now then... Some stalker type jackass wants to know how many times a week Tori and I do it... _**HA**_! Wouldn't you sick perverts like to know?"

She finishes her remark with a smack of the lips "Here's another one, What do you love most about you lovable girlfriend?"

Jade raised an eyebrow at the wording "Vega I _know_ this came from you! Right now you're on my shit list, you suck!"

"Next... Who is my favourite Author?'... Tori Vega... Surprised? I don't care if you are but if you viewers must know she _can_ write some pretty spicy stuff" Jade grinned dreamily "How do I know that?... Because I read her diary"

* * *

Tori who was seeing her girlfriend's live feed in the comfort of her living room, slacked her jaw in shock, not to mention that her face turned three different shades of red.

 _ **"JADE!"**_

"Is it true that she has a big butt?" She read the next question "Well, they say that a picture is worth a thousand words"

The Goth got a huge pair of pink panties for all to see "So this should speak for a million words"

The Half-Latina's eyes widened as big as dinner plates **_"JADE!"_**

* * *

"Do you sweat a lot when you exercise?... I don't like sweating, so I don't"

"Favourite number? Twenty seven, why?" She shrugged "It's the date I meet Tori and if anyone thinks I'm being mushy I'll rip out your vocal cords and beat you with them!"

"What's my Favourite restaurant?... As if I'm going to tell you people, I don't want any more stalkers! Sinjin is enough if a pain in the ass already!"

"Favourite candy?... Only kiddies like that stuff, yes Cat I mean you!"

"Do I have a nickname?... Several but they are only meant to be used in bed"

"We all know that The Scissoring is your favourite movie" Jade read out loud "No duh, Sherlock, But if it never existed, which would take the title of your favourite film?"

The Goth raised an eyebrow " _Huh_ , that's actually a question that deserves _some_ merit, I think it would have to be Poltergeist, why? Let me tell you all a bit of history, in one part of the movie there was a scene with the skeletons, they weren't fake, in fact the corpses were _real_ , don't believe me? Then I suggest you look into it because it is said that started a curse in which the actors started to die, next time producers should have a little more respect for the dead, because dying actors are never good for **_anyone_** "

"Next stupid question... Least Favourite movie?... Tron Legacy, that was horrible, I think it killed a few of my brain cells"

"What's the most disgusting thing I ever seen? Easy, Trina Vega naked, it was worse than hearing her _sing_ , I was fucking blind for two days! Last time I enter the Vega house unannounced"

"If there is one thing I would change about myself, what would it be?" Jade pretended to think only to shout " ** _NOTHING_**! I'm perfect the way I am!"

"Name one thing you hate more than anything: Cheaters, I hate people who take the easy road, that's not how things are in life, I even hate it more when you are in a relationship and someone is unfaithful, yes Beck I'm talking to you! Watch out ladies!"

"Was Tori your first lesbian Kiss? Nope, I actually made out with Cat during truth or dare, Vega wasn't happy when she learned that little fact about my past"

"Do I flirt a lot? … Why the hell would I? I'm already in a relationship, sex included, there's no need for that!"

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Unlike my girlfriend, I'm not some jank sappy girl, so hell no!"

"Can you speak another language? Yeah, Spanish courtesy of my girlfriend's teaching and a bit of Norwegian."

"Do you have an obsession? Does cuddling count? Wait what? No one heard that **_understood_**!"

"What's new here... Do I have any regrets? Actually yes, I regret being a gank to Tori, oh I'm still a gank to her but at least I don't try yo cause her demise anymore"

"Do I trust people easily? I only trust five people and they better not abuse that trust if they know what's good for them!"

"Forgive easily? Yeah, right"

"How do I vent my anger? Hot angry sex with Tori is a great way!" Jade said with a devious smile and a wink.

"Ok, this is the final question, frankly because I'm getting sick and tired of it all, so if I didn't answer you curiosities, sucks to be you!"

The Thespian then made drumming noises with her hands to sarcastically point out the end of the session.

"Now this shit-fest is coming to an end with this final question"

"Jade West... You been quite the roller coaster ride for me, you given me one heart attack after another, anyone else would've run for the hills at the sight of you, but not me, so, I think it's the best time to pop this question because it's ratter important"

The pale woman rolled her eyes "What the fuck is this freak babbling about...? Make some sense you stupid... Bi..."

Her jaw drop in shock, since she got the biggest question of her life along with a high resolution photo.

 _"No way!"_ She thought, _"No fucking way!"_

In the screen there was a photo of Tori on her knee, a big diamond ring on her hand with the words.

"Jade West... Will you Marry Me?"

After regaining her composure, The raven haired woman cleared her throat, inwardly she was pretty phyched, in fact she was about to scream Yes but deciding to not make a fool of herself in front of the entire web instead she went with a different reply.

"Gimme back my scissors first, then we'll talk Vega!"

All the way to the Vega house, Tori was squealing in total happiness, she knew what the Goth's words really meant.

 _ **"SHE SAID YES! I'M GETTING MARRIED!"**_

* * *

 ** _And, it's done! Thanks for Quitting Time for the help._**

 ** _Anyone who is familiar with Jhonen Vasquez's work would know the acronym for JTHM, I just think the violence and dark humor of the saga would strike a cord with Jade, which of course I also used the head exploding joke since Nny enjoys doing that, as well as Tallest Red made a reference to that in the IZ episode "Germs" when he wonders why they didn't sent Zim to "one of those exploding head planets"._**

 ** _To those who want to know, Jade wasn't saying gibberish when she didn't know how to answer one of the questions, in fact it was Norwegian for "I'm sorry I do not speak English ..."_**

 ** _Also, from the very beginning Tori planned this QaA, she wanted to surprise Jade with a proposal in a way she wouldn't see coming, what do you guys think? Believable or not?_**

 ** _I always imagined that in their relationship that Tori would be pretty good at reading "between the lines"._**

 ** _By the way, yes they are both over eighteen._**

 ** _I also want to know if Jade's answers were funny or not? Please let me know in your reviews._**

 ** _Invader Johnny Signing Off._**


End file.
